So I had a miscarriage back in early January.  Had that pregnancy survived I would be rapidly approaching my due date (August 18th, if you are curious). I can say absolutely now that the miscarriage happened for a reason and that while I mourned the loss I know for sure that it has worked out for the best family.  I was sick and now I’m not.  I wasn’t quite ready to think about having a baby again, but now I am.  We still aren’t where we want to be financially but I don’t think we ever will be in a “perfect” space when it comes to money.  And every time I see (another!) pregnant woman I just want to whine “why isn’t it me?!?”

We have been trying for 5 months now and it is absolutely KILLING me that I am not pregnant yet. We got M on the very first shot out of the gate. When I found out I was pregnant last December we had no idea when it happened because we were taking precautions.  When we lost the pregnancy we took a couple of months off then started trying again in earnest.  I have become one of those women who charts everything, I pee on ovulation sticks every month and track every move and (ahem) action on a calendar.  I have never had to do this in the past and it’s becoming a borderline obsession. When I read Casey’s recent post about the difficulties of not being pregnant around a bunch of swollen bellies I was nodding along as I read it.  I’ve only been at the game for a few months and medically I’m not even considered out of the norm; but for me and my (very limited) past not getting knocked-up on the first attempt is not normal. My heart breaks for those women who have been at this for 3 and 4 times longer then I have with no baby. Because this shit is hard.

I’m trying to not let it consume my thoughts, but it’s difficult not to get caught up in it. We’ve already gone way past the “perfect spacing” we (I) were hoping for when giving M a sibling.  As each month passes I count the months and ask if I was pregnant how far apart would our kids be? Every time I add a note to our calendar I start thinking about a spring baby. I watch M play and think about how awesome she would be as a big sister. Every twinge and craving, tired morning or bout of heartburn sends me to the drugstore for another pregnancy test.

But every time that damn stick denies showing me what I want to see. I’m trying to be okay with it, but I’m not resting on my laurels.  I have a (long overdue) extensive physical next week.  I needed one anyway since I honestly don’t think I’ve had one since the sports physicals of high school. I’m meeting with my OB next month just to be proactive. Right now every month that passes seems like a missed opportunity and I’m tired of feeling like a failure.